cooksuck:

Ever notice how all the miserable failures in life are constantly telling you about how much of a good day they are having, or about all their pretend achievements in life? Always the salad guys. Salad is the “I’m not racist, but…” of the food world - as superfluous as the photo album on Facebook of a newborn child - “Oh! Oh! I had a fucking child, everyone must see! Look at my child!  You must look at it!” - why are you doing this to us? The difference between eating a salad and not eating a salad is essentially nothing. You don’t earn any bragging rights for eating a salad - it’s like saying you took a shit and got it in the bowl. Most achievements people let you know about are essentially that - took a shit, didn’t fuck it up - “BEST WEEKEND!” - oh really? You had a good weekend? That must have been difficult considering most people have the freedom of literally being able to do whatever they want with their time - but they don’t do they? They spend their time attempting to jump some invisible bar life has set for them and salad-bragging is one of them.

(Source: textfromdog)

cooksuck:

Nope, this is it; this is everything.  There’s no tricky upper level fine dining bullshit going on here. You’re looking at undercooked, dry as morning marital sex pasta with sauce that looks like it was cooked in hot piss containing corn that basically says “That’s right! I have to come out the other end as well.”
 
What are you trying to achieve with the presentation here?  I mean, you are putting yourself way out there with this dish; you’ve really shot for the stars.  You’ve aimed for the catwalk but landed a job at the 3am peep show penetrating yourself for a dollar a minute.  You’re a wanker with nothing to wank; it’s like you’ve presented the definition of a lose-lose situation. 
 
I bet you own a fedora.  Now I think about it, this is basically the food equivalent of a fedora.  No style, no substance, delusionally classy and hinting at a sexual encounter that will never come.  Trust me dude, the juice aint worth the squeeze here - put it in one of those big single-guy laksa bowls, hop into bed with your laptop and enjoy your bullshit meal over an episode of Entourage or How I met Your Mother or whatever show is presently breeding those fuckwit ideas on human interaction, dress and class to all the unbearable cunts I’m surrounded by every single fucking minute of every single fucking day.

Really spits the venom at this meal.

cooksuck:

“Omnomnom baked fish and veggies!”

firstly, fuck off, that supermarket frozen food section birds eye brand bullshit isn’t fish.  it just isn’t.  it’s non-omnomnom crumbed, microwaved (you didn’t bake this, liar) dead sea animal mash. 

secondly, there’s too much health on this plate.  nothing against eating well, all for it, but this is too healthy.  it’s almost the reason tomato sauce/butter/wine/MDMA was invented.  how healthy do you need to be?  could it hurt to add a bit of fried mushroom or mash?  if you’re that terrified of carbs just get off the bus one stop early on the way home from your depressing government job and walk you fucking cherry tomato slicing ano-killjoy.